A Phenomenological Enquiry into the Memories of the First Kiss
I hope that was not my last kiss!
as if there is a first there has to be a last, now that is scary!!
- Age: 51-55, Woman
Introduction
„What was your first kiss like?“ we often hear the question being asked. Not often as in everyday discussions, but perhaps often enough to suppose that by far most of the couples have asked about their partner’s first kiss. Fortunate-ones, perhaps a few lucky-ones, may not have to ask it curiously „what was it like?“ because they were there when it happened; usually it is still something to be curious about, even and perhaps especially when it happened to the ones you don’t know personally (e.g. „What was your first kiss like? Was it your first with your ex?“). Questioning about our first kiss seems to tell us something, or at least it seems to interest or matter to us, even if we are talking or thinking about only our private experiences (or dreams for those who for some reason haven’t had that experience... yet).
My present research deals with the phenomenon of „the Memories of the First Kiss“. Depends how we define „culture“, but if language is a part of culture, then even talking about „the first kiss“ is (purely?) a cultural phenomenon. Even kissing as such (and understood as such) is a uniquely human activity (I am not aware of any animals kissing). Not to mention the fact that kissing at the end of love-stories/movies is not just a coincidence, but rather something mandatory. We can imagine, seeing a romantic movie which ends without the-compulsory-kissing-part, asking ourselves: „What on Earth did the director had in mind, it doesn’t make any sense!“
„Sense“, yes, kissing literally seems to be a meaingful activity, especially in the „romantic movies“. A romantic movie without a kiss tends to be not a proper romantic movie. And if kissing takes place, it has to be presented in a certain manner. Not just every kiss is a kiss – is not the kiss. The story or a memory of a first kiss seems to tell something important about a person... or about a moment in that person’s life, about one’s childhood or youth, or about any other moment when it took place. The first kiss seems to be memorable, it makes the moment special; or the moment makes the kiss special. The first kiss and everything that surrounds it and gives it its ’proper meaning’ seem to be in an intense relationship. It unifies, takes a hold of many different moments and aspects of one’s life and relationships.
Here I will try to present a short phenomenological analysis of „the memories of the first kiss“. Those memories are taken from the Experience Project website[1], 19 latest of them (transcribed at the end of the essay under the appendix/extras[2]) that were posted between October 24th, 2011 at 5:37AM and November 2nd, 2011 at 9:11PM. Posts, that included commerical, inappropriate or just irrelevant information, were excluded; otherwise the posts are chosen completely randomly. There are thirteen (12) women and seven (7) men, their age ranges between 13-15 and 51-55 years. Therefore: I am not trying to make any comprehensive generalizations of these results.
Nonetheless, I believe some important and interesting questions may find answers or perhaps clarifications through this enquiry: How much is „the first kiss“ culture-dependent? Does it have any direct cultural „predeterminations“ or influences? etc. And first of all: what might be the cultural structures that make „the first kiss“ possible in the first place. Is it something inevitably innate to human culture as such? Does it always have such a meaning?
I am not sure whether all these questions are being answered, but perhaps it is possible to shed a bit of light on them...
About the methodology
In what sense is our research phenomenological? Firstly, as conducting a phenomenological „interview“, we need to have so-called „open-ended questions“. The interviewees must be allowed to speak freely of their experiences. Moreover, in case of our enquiry, we don’t even have a question, but rather a topic: „I remeber my first kiss – stories of experiences“. „Questioneers“ are free to talk about whatever they like, but supposedly somehow related to the topic (as our example no. 19 shows (and some excluded posts): it is not always so).
First of all, we try to identify the character of the experience being shared: the object, the experience that is being (commonly) understood as „the first kiss“. I will try to outline some of the main characteristics and conditions of that object. Eventually we’ll obviously find out that not every kiss is counted as „the first kiss“. The „essence“ of the first kiss seems to be understood and identified by the cultural background, mostly – or so it seems – not only retrospectively, but also and rather as it was experienced at that particular moment.
After the „object“ is more clearly identified („what counts as the first kiss“) we can gradually move to the question of „how it was experienced“ and thereafter perhaps to „what are the structures and conditions that made the experience possible and recognizable in the first place“. That is to say: combining the „what?“ with „how?“ we might get closer to „the essence“ of the first kiss, what does it mean to kiss or to be kissed in the first time...
The limits of this research, perhaps, resides mostly in the fact that I will not be able to compare the experiences of the first kiss with the experiences of the ones not having had the first kiss. It would be an interesting hermeneutical-phenomenological research, indeed, but nonetheless another research to be conducted.
About the object: memories of the first kiss or „The First Kiss“ as a physical event?
We are here looking into peoples’ experiences of their first kiss, so our object of enquiry is the writtendown memory of or about that very moment, we are also looking into the manner in which it is written, hoping to find out something about the actual event – the kiss – itself. As it later turns out: they are largely interrelated.
Looking at the interviews about people’s first kiss, it is amazing how relatively easily the first kiss seems to be describable; as if the narrative around the actual moment somehow determines (the „quality of“) the kiss itself. It is not only the first kiss we are talking about, but our life or our childhood as a whole, a memorable moment which has a great value as its own! „Being young was such a beautiful feeling, memories I will never forget“ (# 12).
Moreover, often it seems to be like a „ritual“ after the subject is „crossed over into being a man“ (or a woman) (# 11). Perhaps this is also the reason why it is relatively easy to make a narrative out of it. We are talking not only about a kiss as a physical event, but also about everything cultural and psychological that surrounds and colours it – about everything that gives it its meaning. We are talking about people’s lives and cultures they are living in, about all the meanings and meaning-formations that are taking place in this complex... region.
Part I: What?
Preconditions in order the first kiss to be called as such
Of course, not every kiss is „the first kiss“, it is not said that it has to be the first in one’s life (it can be the first with the particular person one is or was involved with, one way or another), but it mostly seems to be the case. „What was your first kiss like?“ – yes, of course, you most obviously mean the first kiss of one’s life! But there are exeptions:
for example, the first interviewee claims her age to be between 46-50, title of her description is „Kissing in the Rain, in the Parking Lot“, no hints whether it was her First Kiss Ever (I slightly doubt it!), but in a sense it might have been „as if the first kiss“, because the first was so long time ago and perhaps therefore mostly forgotten: „Lunch was wonderful - we sat next to each other rather than across - don't remember the last time I've ever done that“ (# 1).
Nonetheless, most of the time when people describe their „first kiss“, they usually mean „the first kiss of their lives“. And it is not surprising, it has a certain value and importance, apart from being „just the first“ thad happened, it is something special, maybe as almost every first-time-experience is in a way special; and if not necessarily in a good or bad sense, but surely memorable. Because it was the first!
Expectations
To be more precise: will any kiss do the job? No, not really, like one interviewee put it: „Now when I say my first kiss , I’m not talking about the quick little birthday pecks on the cheek, or the time I snuck a kiss from a girl when she wasn’t looking. I’m talking about the sweaty palms, heart racing, and instant erection type of kiss“ (# 15). It has to be the kiss on the lips; as if the barrier between two people is crossed for the first time, and lips are the necessary boundary: „The lips are a boundary. They are portals where the inside is exposed to the outside, where the breath of life passes in and out, where food is taken in and speech breathed forth.“[3]
There seem to be some cultural expectations for the first kiss; in another words: it seems, at least most of the time, that the first kiss has to be recognized as „the the first kiss“: „and before I could say a word he pulled me to him and kissed me, I tried to remember what went where, from what I had seen at the pictures or on the telly“ (# 8). A certain „cultural imitation“ seems to be one of the driving-forces: „and I was talking to her and we just watching a movie and there was a part when they kissed and we looked at eachother and kissed and macked. ;)“ (# 4), we can only imagine whether kissing and the recognition of „the first kiss“ would exist if there would be no „kissing-culture“ or „the first kiss“ to learn from.
Perhaps not a rule, but I guess there’s some truth in it when claimed[4] that the first kiss has at least five following characteristics: first: increased heartbeat; second: 'the butterflies'[5]; third: dizziness; fourth: shaking, and fifth: fear. In another words: we are dealing here with a highly mixed phenomenon and emotions. Probably this is what makes it so special! And not only special, but rather an event waited for to happen, an event to be prepared for. For example, interviewee # 7 hasn’t yet had her first kiss, and this is highly worrying for her:
„I then realized I'm going to be at my dad's on Tuesday, and when I go to me dad's house I don't walk past his school... I was gonna tell him, but he would be so sad and so am I. What should I do! I mean I want to kiss him but, I can't with my dad around its practicly impossible... What do I do!“ (# 7).
Yes, nobody says the first has to be perfect, but nonetheless it tends to worry the ones who encounter it: „then when we pulled apart i said it was my first kiss and she said " Well, it didn't show"“ (# 9); a need to feel (or be) impressive seems to be quite important here, perhaps more form the masculine side as men „are expected to know how to do it“:
„if the kissing doesn't connect for me, I'm afraid it's a dealbreaker“ (# 1; 46-50 year-old woman),
but not crucial: „Lisa knew she was my first girlfriend, she knew i had never really kissed a girl before, but she handled it with grace and patience...“ (# 11).
All in all, lot of the interviewees mention the feeling of „safety“ or being comfortable with their partner: „we got to know each other by talking and i enjoyed being in his company“ (# 2) or „being good friends“: „My first kiss was with one of my best friends“ (# 14). What is more, obviously, having a crush on or being attracted to someone is highly important here:
„I remember my first kiss i was about ten. It was with this girl who i had a crush on for over two years and she lived one floor above me in my building“ (# 17); „I wanted her so badly, and was dreaming about taking her in my arms and kissing her“ (# 18); „I will always remember my first kiss with the first girl I ever had a crush on“ (# 2); „I was very attracted to him in our previous online chats, and was clearly attracted to him in person - tall, broad, gentle bear that I knew he would be“ (# 1).
But as much as the first kiss is concerned – as mentioned before – the crush or the sense of attraction may not so important, referring, for example, to the age:
„It was the beginning of third grade, and my best friend and I had recently decided to become a couple. We were 8 years old. We had been best friends since Kindergarten. [...] My first kiss was just sweet, and innocent“ (# 5); or „Well I had my first kiss when I was 10 i was in 6th grade and I was with this girl and she said shes never kissed anyone and I said me either...“ (# 4) and where no claims of being in love are mentioned. Perhaps it is irrelevant? Certainly not always, but sometimes, when:
„My First, Second, Third... Were all one big huge mistake. Actually, all of my kisses have been. I guess I was about 13. I lost my first kiss to a game of spin the bottle. To a disgusting little punk who liked to set things on fire. I regret every kiss I've ever had actually. They've all been drunken mistakes with strangers“ (# 10)
– but, at least perhaps in that certain moment, still worth to try. Surprise, suddenness and certain amount of unexpectedness of the reaction and the result seem to be some of the keywords:
„I called her as if to whisper something in her ears, and as she leaned forward to hear it, I kissed her on her left cheek! Her reaction was a startled "Huh!!" and she ran away! [...] And for quite a few days she avoided me. I never anticipated this reaction from her, and was slowly wondering if what I did was awkward!“ (# 18). But all in all, in order to „count“ as the first kiss, it must have been worth trying at least in that particular moment, and in fortunate-times, still worth remembering later on: „To this day, I haven't forgotten about that day. And even though we aren't in touch for quite a few years now, I bet she hasn't too“ (# 18).
At least one more aspect or „expectation“ about the first kiss is still untouched and it is related to „the gender-issue“: most of the partners of our interviewees are as if by default expected to be from the opposite sex; if otherwise, then it’s mentioned explicitly: „I'm 17 but since i'm bisexual and prefer girls to boys“ (# 9; 16-17 yead-old woman).
What is more: although, a lot of times males seem to be more active and also more worried about „taking the first step“, whereas females are having tendency of „giving the geen light“ (as in the cases: # 5, 7, 8, 12, 16; perhaps 15 & 18 and „technically“ 10), but it turns out that it is actually hard to make this distinction, one way or another it is rather a mutually shared event (in basically all the cases except # 10 and # 19).
Conclusion
So far we have outlined some of the main characteristics as what the first kiss is being recognized and therefore as what it is expected to be felt or experienced like. It seems that these expectations characterize the possibilities that make the recognition of the first kiss as such possible. Briefly: the first kiss as an event has a meaning that is largely or mostly culturally formed and constructed. It seems to be something being waited to happen and if or when it does, people seem to have certain concrete expectations for it. These expectations seem to have a significant cultural meaning; this meaning is on the one hand expected and on the other hand: memorized; and it consists of the meaning-formations that surround the kiss as a singular physical event. Therefore, I’d like to make the following distinction between „the kiss as a physical event“ and „the kiss as it is remembered – with all its cultural meanings that are currently attached to it“.
Part II: How?
The kiss as an event: the kiss itself
The reason why I made this distinction is that there seems to be a paradox: we are talking about a kiss, but relatively little space is used for the actual description of the kiss itself. It ofcourse may be so because we lack of words describing the kiss or if we do try to describe it, we use experssions like: „It was magical“ (# 9); „I felt tingly all over and was completely and utterly on cloud nine“ (# 13); „i was high as the sky and nothing else mattered for the rest of that night“ (# 11) or more generally (or perhaps more specifically): „It was my very 1st french kiss“ (# 13) or „And I before saying yes he surprisingly kissed me. That's was my first kiss btw. Then he bit me lower lips and I did so too. And then slowly he opened my mouth and put his tongue there. I went with the flow.“ (# 16)
The kiss as it is remembered: the nature of memories
Perhaps there is no need to describe it more accurately, most of us probably know very well how a kiss feels like; and also that what makes it special is the description of with whom and in what circumstances it happened. The cultural surrounding gives it the true meaning. A bit paradoxical, indeed: firstly, it is waited to happen, one way or another; secondly, the „one way or another“ means a great deal, after all, it is a first-time-experience, it has to take place one way or another (at least as far as some minimum requirements are fulfilled)!
Indeed, and that souldn’t be a great surprise, the choice of the kissing-partner helps to even out the need to fulfill these two aspects: one must feel comfortable with the partner in order for „the expected kissing-scene“ to work out well; hence, perhaps with whom it happened matters the most. In another words: the whom-aspect makes it possible (needless to say: you do need a partner, at least for the proper first kiss)! As our descriptions have shown: the person, one’s partner of (or for) the first kiss, is the one that makes it special, or perhaps even possible. Kissing is not just a physical phenomenon, but perhaps mostly a psychical/psychological phenomenon, it has to have a cultural-psychological background in order to take place as „the first kiss“. Kissers have to be – so to say – members of the same group, having the same cultural background. Or at least more or less so.
It is because of the complexity of the certain cultural background that it would be difficult to imagine the first kiss to turn out much differently than it usually does. For example: it might be a bit hard to imagine the first kiss taking place between two complete strangers, although it often or at least sometimes does. Perhaps it depends more of the culture and not so much of the kissers.
Nonetheless, it seems to be often related to the possibility of a romantic relationship. We may ask: does the first kiss make the romantic relationship possible, or is it the other way around? As it turns out from the descriptions: it seems that the answer lies somewhere in between; but most likely: the first kiss opens up a road for a possible romantic relationship, but it nonetheless presupposes a kind-enough relationship (providing a „safe-enough“ ground for the kiss to take place). Obviously, it is difficult to draw the line. This is probably one of the reasons that make the first kiss more uncertain; more „traumatic“, being mixed with personal feelings, hopes, dreams and worries.
Conclusion
The second part of the research seems to follow up from the first part: the way how we present our experience of the first kiss seems to be coherent with the image we have or the image we have constructed of the first kiss. As it is hard to say whether the (psychological) meaning or the (physical) first kiss itself is the most important, rather they are intertwined, both closely related to each other. The first kiss as it happens, even if suddenly, already has a strong cultural meaning: because it is the first (no matter if called that way in advance or retrospectively), even if not as pleasent as hoped. It is being memorized as the first; both physically and psychologically. It seems that, in the world full of culture, there is probably no such thing as „the first kiss“ without so-called psychological-cultural importance. Talking about „the first kiss“ already presupposes the cultural existence of „the first kiss“ as such. Otherwise we could talk equally about any kiss, but it seems we do make quite a sharp distinction between the first kiss and the rest that are to follow.
And, as we have seen, it is not just any kiss that can be counted as „the first kiss“, it has to meet some conditions: it has to be on the lips, presumably a romantic- or sexual-one (one way or another, more or less), and – moreover – there seems to be an inevitable fact that it tends to have a somewhat important value or role in our lives. At least a value that grounds the need to differentiate if from all the other of the kisses we might have had or will have in the future. Again, both in advance and retrospectively.
Hence, at some point, we have an urge to talk about it; or if not, we still think about it, whether publicly or privatly. It has a certain kind of cultural and/or private - or perhaps ritual – value (perhaps allowing ourselves to feel being accepted to the community, to ourselves or to other people or to one person in particular). Mostly, it seems to be something to be proud of, and if not about the manner that it happened, then for the fact that it happened.
One way or another, it was worth it and it is worth talking about it; as if it was a new hope, the beginning of a new never-before-experienced life. It is not only personal, it is shared... and it comes alive and is re-experienced when thought about again.
It is something that once gained, most probably never dies... it is something remembered as once-in-a-lifetime event, there is something special that makes it that way. I guess the reason resides in the cultural inheritance and the people who share it and make it possible. Perhaps it is one of the oldest „unconscious-traditions“, people hardly talk about it publicly, perhaps some poets write about it, nonetheless it is something that has a specific kind of value that is inevitably brought to life once in a while!
[2] Referred in the essay as the number of the transcription, e.g. first is marked as „(# 1)“ in the brackets after the quote.
[3] Miller, J. Hillis (2005), Literature as Conduct: Speech Acts in Henry James, page 37.
[4] http://www.notjustagame.net/viewstory.php?sid=912
[5] „The infamous 'butterflies in the stomach', so popular among poppish teenage-ish (and not) songs, which are known to be a very clear symptom of falling head over heels for somebody.“ Taken from the address above.
***
Siuke essee, lisad ehk konkreetsete kirjelduste transkriptsioonid jätsin praegu välja sest neid oli 11 lk (antud teksti 9 lk) ja siis läheks siin asi mõttetult pikaks. Lisaks pole see teab-mis-diip essee, pigem poolkiiruga kirjutatud. Aga EHK pakub kellelegi huvi.
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